George Halachev

Archives for May 2017

How to Double Your Influence with One Simple Trick

By

Have you had one of those conversations where you just can’t get through to the other person? No matter how well thought out your arguments are the person in front of you always disagrees.

For example, you’re trying to show your friend Jack the benefits of fasting.

You have done a lot of research on the subject and you know the benefits and challenges of fasting. You can give proof with scientific studies and you have experimented with fasting and you’ve seen the positive results from your personal experience.

Even with such strong arguments Jack still disagrees and thinks “fasting is unhealthy.” What do you do then? Should you just assume that Jack is a moron and there’s no point to talk to him at all? Or is there a smarter approach?

Why Convincing Someone with Logic Rarely Works

Logical arguments work pretty well when you’re writing a scientific paper or a book. If we want to write a paper on how good fasting is, we have to present facts, which lead us to the logical conclusion that fasting improves our health.

To make this clear and simple let’s look at what a fact is:

An objective consensus on a fundamental reality that has been agreed upon by a substantial number of experts.

A fact is a statement that everybody can agree with. For example, we can say that Jack is taller than Elizabeth. If we measure their height, everybody can agree that is a fact.

What is a logical conclusion?

The relationship between statements that holds true when one statement logically follows from one or more statements.

A logical conclusion is something that we deduct from two or more facts. For example, we know that Jack is taller than Elizabeth, it’s a fact. We also know that Elizabeth is taller than Susan, it’s also a fact. Therefore, we can conclude that Jack is also taller than Susan, even though we haven’t compared their height directly.

It seems like if we present the logical facts to someone they should always agree and come to the same conclusion. Therefore, the more logical facts and arguments we have the more influential we will be. However, as you probably know, it usually doesn’t work that way. That is because we assume people are mostly rational beings. The reality is that most of the time we’re irrational because of our emotional states.

Instead of logic being our first priority, frequently we care more about our current emotional needs, like the need for approval or higher social status. Being in an intense emotion also takes us from a logical into an irrational mode. If Jack is angry right now, good luck trying to convince him with a logical argument.

I’m sure you have noticed that in yourself when you’re feeling a strong emotion. Have you had a situation where you were pissed off at somebody and even though they were bringing up a very good point, you just acted irrationally to get back at them? It usually happens with parents or in romantic relationships where the emotional connection is deep. Subconsciously we know they’re right but in that moment logic is the last thing on our minds.

How to Convince People More Effectively

So if beating Jack over the head with logic doesn’t work, what does? What will make Jack think rationally about the argument and consider changing his point of view?

Well, nothing will until his irrational needs and emotions are met first. Unless we figure out what Jack’s current state of mind is and help him get to a more rational state, nothing is going to change.

So what is an example of a need that Jack has that will put him into an irrational state of mind?

Social Status

Jack is subconsciously perceiving himself as smarter than you. He might indeed be smarter and know more about most subjects, however, that mindset prevents him from seeing that you do have more information on this particular topic.

But for Jack to admit that he will have to change his whole mindset, which is a hard thing to do. He will have to admit that in some areas you are smarter than him. Since Jack has a lot of emotion around his social status and his intelligence, his first reaction is to reject the argument, no matter how reasonable it is. His first reaction is to assume you’re just not that smart and you’re somehow wrong.

Unless we help Jack change his view of his social status and intelligence, we’re not going to be able to get him into rational thinking again. We have to show Jack that his current mindset prevents him from learning.

However, we can’t just say, “You’re acting like a child, get over your ego.” That is going to inflame his ego even more. Instead, we have to put ourselves in his shoes. Why is he feeling that way in the first place? Why is he so attached to his social status? Why is his intelligence so important to him? Maybe he had a family that didn’t acknowledge his intelligence as a kid and he has the need to overcompensate. Maybe he is trying to win your respect and admitting that he’s wrong will make him feel stupid.

All of these needs and emotions are irrational but they’re there. In order to get through to Jack, we need to approach his needs and emotions with sensitivity and empathy. Ridiculing or belittling his emotions is only going to make the problem worse.

Emotional History

Being in an intense emotion is another thing that puts us into an irrational mindset. If Jack is angry at you for some reason, he will subconsciously look for a way to get back at you. Disagreeing with something that you say is a perfect way to do it. So unless there is a clean emotional slate between you, logical arguments are very likely to fail.

Besides your emotional relationship, Jack might also have strong emotions with somebody related to the subject. For example, what if Jack has tried a detox product a few years ago and it was a complete rip-off? It was very expensive and it actually made Jack’s health worse than before. In that case, it’s very easy to generalize all fasting and detox and make the assumption that it’s all unhealthy.

Until we approach Jack’s mindset with sensitivity and empathy and help him overcome his grudge for the rip-off company, he’s not likely to listen to any logical arguments.

Attachment to an Idea

Often we attach our identities to a single idea that we assume is a fact. For example, “I’m a very realistic, down-to-earth person. I don’t do woo-woo stuff.”

If Jack is very practical and thinks that fasting is something that only religious people or health fanatics do, he’s not likely to listen to a logical argument. He would have to change his whole identity to “someone who is willing to try unorthodox things.” Changing your whole identity can be a hard thing to go through emotionally. We have to admit that we have been wrong up until now and something else can be better for us.

No wonder we’re not able to get through just with facts if somebody has to change their whole identity to accept our rational argument. Imagine what would happen if Jack was very religious and you start giving him facts that disprove his belief. It would be at least counter-productive, and at most fatal depending on Jack’s religion.

Sensitivity and Empathy

To be able to convince someone with logic, first you need to get them into a logical state of mind with sensitivity and empathy. You can’t just say, “Here are all the facts, you should believe me now,” that never works. But the combination of the logic with the empathy has a huge impact.

However, that’s easier said than done. The advice “get in his shoes first” has been around forever and we would all do it if it were easy. So what are some ways we can get better at it empathy and sensitivity and as a result improve our influence?

Notice your own irrationality

As much as we like to think of ourselves as rational beings, we all just like Jack. We all have just as many irrational needs and emotions. When you start noticing these in yourself, it’s much easier to react with empathy and sensitivity when you see it in others.

If you regularly think of all the situations in which you act irrationally, you will begin to recognize yourself in other people. Then instead of ridiculing them, you will react with empathy.

Notice Your Inner Judger

We all have a view of how the world should be. We all have our preferences, likes, and dislikes. So when we see a person that is different than our current view of how reality should be we automatically start judging. We put labels on people like he’s an angry person, or she is very arrogant. Putting a label on somebody gets you pretty far from putting yourself in their shoes.

If you want to develop your empathy for people that you tend to judge don’t think about the “what?” Thinking about “what” a person is like is just putting a label on him.

Instead of the “what” ask “why?”

Why is he so angry all the time? Why is she depressed? Why is he a Christian? Asking “why” is the first step to begin putting yourself in their shoes. It gets you out of thinking “what they should be like” and into “why are they where they are”?

Find Common Ground

When we have a disagreement, the first thing we do by default is to focus on the differences. How does their opinion differ from mine and how can I change it? That’s helpful to clarify your logical argument, however, it doesn’t help you with empathy.

Instead of looking for the differences, look at where you are the same. Look for the common ground. Only by finding a point that you both agree on you can start to connect with the other person.

Let’s say Jack doesn’t agree with doing a water fast. But what about a juice fast? What if it was a short one, just for one day? What if the fast is just excluding meat from your diet for a few days? As you keep digging you will eventually find something that you both agree on. As soon as you do, you will feel like you’re on the same side trying to discover the truth, instead of on opposing sides fighting a battle. You can never be influential if the other person perceives you as an enemy.

Getting into someone’s shoes is a skill and it takes time and practice to build. You can’t just read a book and start being empathetic all the time. However, the more you notice your own irrationality, your judgments and the more you try to find common ground, the better your empathy skill is going to be.

As your empathy skill grows and you become more sensitive to the other people’s state of mind the more you’ll notice your influence growing. You will know what the appropriate times to use logic or empathy are.

Building Habits: Why Some People Succeed and Others Fail

By

As a coach, I’m fascinated by why some people can easily build new habits while others fail miserably.

I’m sure it’s something you’ve noticed in your own life too. You probably have a friend who is very successful. He always accomplishes what he sets out to do. Just listening to him talk about his goals, you think, “Yeah, he gets it! He will really make this goal a reality.”

For the sake of this article, let’s call that friend Mike. Mike the successful.

You probably have another friend who is the exact opposite. He rarely accomplishes what he says he’s going to do. Hearing him talk about his goals you think, “It’s just wishful thinking. He’ll never make it.”

Let’s call him Jim. Jim the failure.

I’ve coached many Mikes and Jims and at first, they’re seemingly the same. They both show up with enthusiasm and motivation. But after a few weeks, the difference is obvious. Mike knows and uses the fundamental success principles and Jim doesn’t. Exploring these fundamental principles will help us build habits and reach our goals more effectively.

To do that, let’s say that Mike and Jim have the same starting point and the same goal. The principles work for all goals and habits, but for the sake of this example, we’ll use a specific goal. They both start at the same weight and want to lose 30 pounds of fat. Neither of them has any experience with healthy eating or exercise. Let’s see what each of them would do differently to work on their goal.

Realistic Goals and Expectations

Mike knows how to set realistic goals and expectations. Before he commits to a specific target, he researches the topic thoroughly. He reads a few books and talks to his friends who have done it before. He takes the time to learn what a reasonable fat loss target is and how long it’s going to take to achieve it.

Jim doesn’t want to do any research or planning. He wants to start immediately and not waste any time. “Lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks” sounds like a reasonable goal to him since that’s what all the ads are saying lately. He commits to the goal without thinking if it’s realistically achievable or not.

Devote Time for The New Goal

Mike knows that to achieve any goal he has to devote extra time every day to work on it. His time is already booked a 100%, and he knows he can’t fit anything else unless he gives up something else. If Mike can’t devote that time every day, he knows there’s no point to even start.

Jim is also booked 100% of the time, but he thinks he can fit in the exercise and change his diet in between things. He is confident that it’s not going to be a big deal and things will just work out.

Tracking Progress and Milestones

Mike knows that to make progress on a goal he needs to have a way to measure it. He knows measuring just his weight is not good enough since the muscle mass will also change. He measures his body fat percentage to keep track of his progress accurately.

Based on his goal and the time frame that he sets, Mike figures out weekly and monthly milestones. By tracking his weekly and monthly progress he can easily see if he’s on track to achieving his goal or not. If Mike is not consistently hitting his milestones, he knows that his strategy isn’t working and he has to change something.

Jim doesn’t bother recording any measurements or progress. He also wants to lose 30 pounds but has no idea how much progress he should be making every week. His only measure is the mirror and the subjective opinion of the people around him. Hearing somebody ask, “Have you lost some weight?” feels so good! He wants to be surprised by jumping on the scales one day and finding out that he’s at his perfect weight.

Gradual Progress vs. Cold Turkey

Mike has never worked on this goal and he knows the start will be slow. He needs to learn many new things about how to achieve it. Before he jumps in, he makes sure what he’s doing is safe and effective.

He starts to gradually remove the unhealthy foods from his diet and replaces them with healthy ones. At the gym, Mike is careful to not push himself too far. He takes his time to learn how to properly do the exercises and gradually increases the challenge.

Jim hasn’t worked on this goal either, but he doesn’t want to waste time. He’s heard that the paleo diet is pretty good for losing weight, so he goes a 100% paleo right away.

He goes to the gym and loads the bench press with the maximum he can lift. He doesn’t waste time with warming up or learning the correct exercises.

Quick Fix vs. Long Term Strategy

Mike knows that there are no lasting “quick fixes” in life. When he creates the strategy to achieve his goal he makes sure that it’s viable long term. He doesn’t just go on the latest diet, he picks a meal plan that he can follow for life.

Jim just wants to get ripped quickly and go on with his life. He’s interested in quick gains and quick burns. He is taking steroids and weight loss pills to accelerate his progress. He is also saving up some money for liposuction, just in case.

Mentorship

Mike knows that getting help from experts will speed up his progress. He will learn how to avoid a lot of mistakes along the way. He invests some time looking for a good coach who can show him the basics. He does a few coaching sessions to learn which exercises are most effective and how to do them safely.

Mike also hires a dietitian who helps him learn the fundamentals of healthy eating and weight loss. They spend a few hours designing a new diet plan that fits Mike’s lifestyle needs.

Jim doesn’t need anybody to tell him what to do. He’s already read hundreds of fitness magazines and has figured out a workout strategy that works for him. He exercises on whatever machines he can find at the local gym. He doesn’t have a set routine and does the exercises that he feels like that day.

For Jim hiring a dietitian is a waste of money. Plus, nobody knows his own body better than him. Based on a few articles he’s read online he comes up with his own diet plan.

Accountability

Besides having a mentor, Mike knows that having social support is a crucial part of achieving any goal. He knows that the people around him will be a key factor in determining his success. So he is actively looking for friends that will encourage him. He doesn’t share his goal with people who are negative and could hold him back.

Mike also knows the value of accountability partners. He has a pact with a dependable friend to be in the gym together 4 times a week. He knows that he is much more likely to exercise if he is held accountable.

Jim is thrilled to tell everybody about his new goal and broadcasts it to everyone, regardless of whether they will encourage him or not. He doesn’t change anything in his social circle and doesn’t look for people who are into exercise or healthy foods. He relies only on his strong initial motivation and doesn’t need anybody to hold him accountable with exercise.

Do It for The Right Reasons

Mike knows that if he loses that extra fat he will be healthier, happier, and an inspiration for others. Because Mike is doing this for the right reasons he has the motivation to persist when the going gets hard.

Mike knows that he doesn’t need to brag and flaunt his success. He quietly works on his goals and knows that the rewards and respect from others will come because of hard work, not showing off.

Jim wants to get ripped and look better in front of his buddies. He is all about showing off his success. He often checks in from the gym with a photo of how much he is benching. His main motivation is to get approval and popularity. Since his goal is entirely selfish and shallow, when the going gets hard Jim doesn’t have the internal motivation to keep going.

Fast Forward a Few Months

Mike has already made solid progress. He weighs 10 pounds less and has even built some extra muscle mass.

The exercise plan that his coach helped him create feels great. He has increased the challenge and intensity of the workouts and he can feel that his body is getting stronger and more flexible.

It was difficult to get used to his new diet, but now he feels satisfied after each meal. He still gets some cravings for junk food occasionally, but because his body is getting all the nutrients it needs it’s easy to stay on track.

Mike indulges with a cheat meal every week or so without feeling guilty about it. He knows that he’s got a great diet and one meal with less healthy foods is not going to affect him.

Mike had a rough time emotionally for a few weeks. He was feeling depressed and working out was the last thing he wanted to do. However, his accountability buddy was there to cheer him up and motivate him to do the exercise anyway. He didn’t miss a single workout despite the emotional turmoil.

He also has a sister and two colleagues that have been obese for a long time. They are all inspired by Mike’s great results and have also started working on getting a healthier lifestyle. They’re all supporting and encouraging each other.

Jim has had a few very rough months. The diet plan he created was working well for the first week or so, but soon he started getting very strong cravings, a clear sign that he’s missing essential nutrients. After a few days, his diet streak ended in McDonald’s, but he still swears it’s the best meal he’s ever had.

The exercise was also going well for a while until he had a bad accident and hurt his back. That kept him out of the gym for a few weeks and erased the progress he had made. Even though his back healed, Jim was bummed out about the whole thing and didn’t go to the gym for a few more weeks. There was nobody to encourage him and help him get back on track faster.

Jim also got a rash all over his body from the steroids. The doctor prescribed, even more, drugs to balance out his body.

He’s still debating whether a healthy lifestyle is for him. After all, nobody from his family is fit and healthy, maybe it’s just his genes?

Conclusion

All the examples above are about fat loss, however, the principles apply to all goals we want to achieve. The process is the same whether we want to lose fat, build a business, learn to play the guitar, or improve our relationship. To be successful in any goal we need to make sure we’re following the fundamental principles.

So if you have a goal and it’s not quite working out so far, see if you’re following the fundamental principles of success. Check if your strategy and actions are more like Jim’s or more like Mike’s.

No Jims or Mikes were harmed in the making of this article. And I sincerely apologize to all the Jims reading this. I’ve coached many successful Jims and I love you just as much as the Mikes! <3